


The Smile

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Despair, Emotional Hurt, Hurt Jace Wayland, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal Alec Lightwood, Jace Wayland-centric, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 06:34:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22899595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: "The war was over, all battles were fought, all villains were killed. But they hadn’t won. They all had lost, they had experienced small losses like the loss of innocence for having being forced to kill or grave losses like the loss of a friend, a parent, an identity. Jace had always been used to endure losses, teaching him to bend rather than break. But the war had taken its toll."With nothing to fight against anymore, Jace and the Lightwoods need to face the damage the war has done to them and evaluate their possibilities to move on.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 14
Kudos: 71





	The Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there,  
> this is a rather sad fic, so please make sure to check the tags before reading. Nevertheless, I hope you'll like it.

The war was over, all battles were fought, all villains were killed. But they hadn’t won. They all had lost, they had experienced small losses like the loss of innocence for having being forced to kill or grave losses like the loss of a friend, a parent, an identity. Jace had always been used to endure losses, teaching him to bend rather than break. But the war had taken its toll.

Jace was a Herondale now, but with no one left to explain to him what that meant, as he had killed his only living relative, his grandmother. He had not been himself, he had been the Owl, but still, she had died at his hands. And he remembered every part of it. The feeling of his hands around her thin and fragile neck, how she squirmed desperately when he pressed his hands tightly together. He still heard the small gasps for breath, he still felt her wrinkled hands around his, trying to loosen his deadly grip. He still felt her dying.

He had lost his father, the only one he had ever known. No matter how often he told himself that Valentine had not been his true father, he knew the truth. In every way it mattered, Valentine had been. He had raised him. He had imprinted on him. He had formed him. And he was dead.

He had lost a mother, which he briefly thought he had. A mother who had tried to kill him the instant she was aware of him, but nevertheless. For a short moment, it had been nice to think that he had one. But as soon as she found out that he was not her real son, she had not looked at him again.

He had lost a lover. First he had lost Clary to being his sister. Jace had to admit that the ease with which the redhead turned to Simon after the revelation of them being siblings, still hurt. She moved on to the next relationship as if she never had cared, never had loved him, and maybe this was the truth. She was not the first to never love him, she would not be the last. When they found out they were not siblings, it was too late. The feelings he had had for her, had been shattered and as she could not accept his brotherly feelings, Jace had lost a sister as well.

Jace had lost his home, the only home he had ever known. The Institute had turned its back on him, most Shadowhunters still living there considered him a traitor, even after all the things he had been willing to sacrifice for them. His life, for instance. His second parents had cast him out of their lives for believing he was a renegade. As much as he wanted to force himself, Jace couldn’t return to live there ever again. He had accepted Magnus’ generous offer to take his spare bedroom, but Jace had lost the feeling of rightly belonging somewhere. He knew he was just a tolerated guest.

Jace had lost his life. True, he had been brought back, but still he remembered the sword entering his body, the emotional pain when he realized that his father really was going to kill him, the physical pain when it actually happened. He remembered the endless darkness when he finally was dead. He remembered the pain that came with his resurrection. 

Jace had lost his believe in himself. Once he thought of himself as a good person, a good Shadowhunter. But this was before he killed half the Downworld by touching the Soul Sword. He hadn’t meant to, but he had. The dead were not asking if it had been his intention. They just were dead, no place for remorse or forgiveness.

But what hurt most was that he had lost Alec. Not literally, Alec was still alive. But Jace knew, he had lost him. He couldn’t pin point the exact moment it had happened, but he knew he had. Sometimes he’d like to blame Magnus for it, but he knew it wasn’t true. Magnus had nothing to do with it, the only one he could blame for the loss was himself. He had not seen how much Alec had suffered, he had not seen that Alec had thought he was in love with him. He had not considered how hurt Alec had bee when he had been chasing his illusion of love with Clary. And he should have, he knew that now. He had failed.

The only thing which Jace hadn’t lost was being a Parabatai. That remained, and he hoped, against all odds, that this would be enough to get Alec back eventually. He knew the dead could not forgive him, but he hoped the living could. He hoped Alec would.

***

Jace looked up in surprise. His hand found its way to his Parabatai rune and clutched it forcefully. The rune answered immediately, a reassuring warmth pouring through it. “What?”

Alec looked at him, an unreadable expression in his eyes. His hands were entwined behind his back, his whole composure was soldier like. Jace wandered when they had become like this, where their bodies were barriers towards the other.

“Magnus has found a way for me to become immortal. And I really want to do this. I love him and I cannot stand the thought of leaving him behind one day. I really need to do this. For him. For us.” Alec repeated the words he had said before, slower this time, as if he was talking to a dumb child. But Jace was neither dumb nor a child. He was just scared.

Jace pressed his hand harder against the rune, feeling the lively heat under his skin. He feverishly tried to swallow down the panic rising in his body.

“And what does that mean for us?”

Alec shrugged as if he hadn’t really thought about it. And maybe he hadn’t, their bond had been thin for a long while now, stretched to a near nothingness. So why should Alec even consider it? He didn’t know that the bond was Jace’s lifeline. “I don’t know, Jace. I just know I want to try it.”

Jace nodded. He was fully aware that Alec was not asking permission, not even asking his opinion. Alec just told him, so that he was informed. Nevertheless, he knew what to do. He had been a shitty Parabatai for long enough, it was time to change that. He forced a smile to his face and looked at Alec, not fully at him, but close enough that it counted. At least he hoped so.

“That’s great then. You have to do it. Let me know if I can be of any help.” The area where his rune had been carved into his skin started to hurt, later Jace would find his fingerprints on it, so hard was he holding on to it. Alec not-looked at him the same way Jace had. “Thank you Jace, that means a lot to me.” Jace doubted it was true.

The preparations for the ritual were complex, so it took a while until they could execute it. Jace thought there had never been a time in which he smiled more. He knew if he stopped smiling, he would crash down, begging Alec to stop that madness, begging him to at least wait a few years to risk their bond. From what Magnus’ told them, there was little to no chance that their bond survived. When Alec transformed into an immortal, he would lose his ability to be a true Shadowhunter and with that, most probably the ability to bare runes.

But what was the right time to severe the bond Jace was asking himself? He knew his answer, never. But when he saw the love Alec shared with Magnus he also knew Alec’s. Now. So he kept on smiling, nodding at the right time, shaking his head at the right time. Sometimes he felt Magnus’ gaze on him, a questioning look in his eyes. But he just smiled. Sometimes Magnus even asked him, what was wrong, but Jace never answered that one. He knew that no one wanted to hear his answer that everything, really everything was wrong.

***

They were celebrating Izzy’s birthday at Magnus’ loft. The atmosphere was light, everybody was having a good time, finally they could celebrate without a dark shadow hurling in the corner. And Izzy deserved a nice party, she truly did. Jace was happy for her and Simon, he saw the adoration in the Vampire’s eyes when he looked at her, like she was the moon and the stars to him. He adored the way she looked back, strong Izzy finally allowing herself to take something for herself. Yes, he was glad that his sister had found love. His little sister. Jace was not sure if he was still allowed to use this phrase. Alec’s cold words were ringing in his head, had never fully faded. “I will save _my_ sister now.” Not our. _My_. And Jace knew Alec had been right in saying so, he had not acted like a brother. So he had never dared to use the term again, at least not said it aloud in the open. Sometimes he had said it in his head, feeling the comfort of the three words. My little sister. But then, words were words, empty, if one acted not like they meant something.

Izzy laughed and looked at him and Jace smiled his fake smile again, which slowly started to feel like his real one, as he had forgotten how it felt to smile genuinely. He avoided Izzy’s gaze and looked at Simon instead, but he couldn’t think of something to say to him, no teasing words crossed his mind, so instead he downed his drink to have an excuse to stand up. And, of course, he smiled.

He had become quite good in finding ways to excuse himself from conversations. He knew when he lingered too long at the same place, maybe someone would notice how he felt. Maybe not, because no one seemed to notice him anymore in general. He had become also quite skilled in drinking just the right amount of alcohol. Not enough to make him tipsy or causing his carefully build guards to drop, but enough to ease the loneliness, to ease the cold.

He was so cold these days, no matter how hot the sun burned down, he just felt cold. Only touching his rune brought a certain warmness to his body. He touched it often. When he slept, the few nights he slept at all, his hand was glued to the rune, the warmness pulsating through it keeping him warm better than any blanket could. He looked at Maia, who was attending the party, she had become a friend to the others, especially to Simon. He remembered the alley, where they had shared a moment, back then when he had been able to share something with someone. He wondered how her skin would feel now on his, her hands entangled in his hair, her breath on his. He wondered but was not able to imagine it, the feelings too long and too far gone.

Jace looked at his watch, mercifully it was late already, no one would notice or care if he would retreat to his room. Carefully he closed the door behind him, applying a locking and silencing rune. Just in case anyone would care for the screams he often could not hold back during his nightmares.

***

Finally, the day came where everything was ready for the ritual. The day Jace feared more than anything and the day Alec looked forward to the most, had finally dawned. Magnus explained the steps again, it would be painful, of course it would. “I suppose you will feel some of the pain, too, Jace, as, at least at the beginning you two are still bonded. Are you really sure you want to go through with it Alec? I know how much being Parabatai means to you.” Jace didn’t listen to Alec’s answer, he knew it by heart. He himself, he just shrugged and smiled, he really didn’t care about the pain. It was not pain that he feared. He feared losing Alec for good, the pure image causing Jace to scream. He really wondered why no one could hear him. Though he knew he screamed only internally, he thought his screams where loud enough to be heard nevertheless. Apparently he was wrong.

Not for the first time he thought that Clary had made a mistake. The girl had made many mistakes, but the gravest one was the mistake of bringing him back to life. He should have died at a time where at least someone had been left to moan him. He wondered what people would say about him if he had died then. Probably that he had been a great warrior. A skilled fighter. Blessed with his Angel blood and good looks. That he had fought fiercely. He wondered what it would feel like to be remembered as someone who loved fiercely. To be remembered not for what he could do, but for what he was. But the truth was, he had never been enough. Not strong and brave and ruthless enough for his father to keep him. Not brotherly enough to be worthy of a sister. Not enough for a girl to love him longer than 5 minutes. Not enough to be a good Parabatai, this one was for sure. He truly should be dead now so Alec didn’t need to worry about him. But it seemed Alec didn’t worry at all. Which was good.

“I really would like to be alone with Magnus for this ritual.” Alec’s words finally rang through to him. He bit down on his lip so forcefully he was later stunned that he had not bit it in half. He pressed his lips in a thin line, knowing too well that if he started to say something he would ruin everything. As much as he was used to Alec’s indifference by now, used to being alone, the words still hurt beyond anything he had experienced so far. He was not even allowed the comfort of Alec’s presence when his supposed to be life long bond would be snapped apart. So he didn’t say anything, nodded and left the room, heading towards the guest room. He even forgot to smile.

A knock on his door woke Jace, he heard Magnus saying his name. He lay on the hard concrete floor, curled into a ball. He didn’t remember how he had ended up there. He remembered pain and then nothing. He slowly stood up to open the door and eyed warily the two men in front of him. Alec looked stunning, a faint glow was lighting up his beautiful features. His neck was bare, the deflect rune was gone. So the ritual had worked. Jace lifted his shirt and to his utmost surprise, he found their Parabatai rune still there. He squeezed it, but no warmth came through it. His hand felt ice cold, even colder than before. His arm fell to the side, not able to bare the icy touch any longer. It seemed the bond was altered by the ritual, reacting to the fact that at least one part of them didn’t care about it, didn’t want it anymore. It was as cold as their relationship had become. 

Despite Alec not being an average Shadowhunter anymore, he still run the Institute. He still could apply runes, they vanished – except the Parabatai rune - all after use but they still worked. Every morning the two boys portaled together to work. Jace liked that part of his life, it felt nearly normal. What he truly loved was going on missions with Alec. During a fight, they just clicked as before, as if nothing had changed between them. He loved the feeling of Alec protecting him as if he mattered, standing back to back with him, feeling the heat radiating from the taller boy. Even his Parabatai rune didn’t feel cold during fights.

Jace had to admit that Alec caught him off-guard when he approached him one day, a few weeks after the ritual. “Jace, do you have a minute?” The blond nodded and forced himself to smile. “A lot new recruits have arrived and as you are our best fighter, I think it would be great if you could train them. And go on missions with them.” _Instead of going with me_ remained unsaid, but it rang through the room as loud as it had been shouted. Of course he was the best fighter, for the lack of being anything else, he still was the best warrior. Jace stood there for a moment, rooted to the spot, not able to react. But then he remembered what to do. He smiled, a smile so fake that it hurt. But he smiled.

When he was around Magnus, Jace didn’t smile that much. He had the feeling that the Warlock was the only person left who knew that he never meant any of the smiles. That was the reason he avoided him as much as possible. He didn’t like the idea of Magnus caring for him. Magnus should care for Alec, and Alec alone, as the raven boy deserved. As Jace should have cared for him, back then when his caring had still mattered.

Jace had problems to sleep, he had had nightmares in his youth, after his father’s faked death. Alec had been able to sooth them by talking them through with him and sleeping next to him. The nightmares had returned after him being possessed by Lilith and they had never vanished since. One night, as he couldn’t fall back asleep after his recurring dream of being killed by his father, he stood up. He was not sure if the dream itself scared him or the feeling that he didn’t fear the killing itself anymore but the waking up from the death. The living. He just knew that he would not be able to settle back to sleep, so he stood up and went out, heading towards the balcony. Jace loved Magnus’ balcony, the view, the quietness, the solitude. He knew he would miss it once he moved out, and there was no doubt that he would move out. To this point he had not had the strength to do it, but he knew it was overdue. Magnus and Alec needed the space, they didn’t need him. And that he needed them didn’t count, not really.

It was the middle of the night, a fresh, freezing wind was blowing. Jace settled down on the hard bench, not bothering getting pillows or a blanket. He stared in the darkness without thinking much. His hand found its way to the Parabatai rune, pressing slightly against it. The rune seemed to push back, a cold, harsh pulse jolting through Jace’s fingertips. Jace sighed in defeat and removed his hand. Slowly, he felt his eyes flutter shut. He was sure that it was not due to the fact that this setting, the harsh ground and the cold air, reminded him of his time as a little boy, where there was still hope for forgiveness when he just pulled through his father’s punishment of sleeping alone on the floor in the dark woods. He tried to remember how it had felt to be forgiven. He failed.

Magnus soft voice woke him up. He was stiff and sore from laying curled up in a small ball at a hard bench for half the night. He had to blink a few times to realize where he was. He stretched, trying to get his muscles back to work. “Morning, Magnus.” His eyes darted to the mug the Warlock was holding towards him. Tentatively he hold his hand out, as if afraid Magnus would yank it back. His hands closed around the warmness. He carefully took a sip. It was sweet, it was hot, it was perfect. It tasted like a promise of better times. He swallowed, swallowed hard, blinking a few times to chase away the prickling at the corner of his eyes. “Where is Alec?” he managed to ask.

Magnus shook his head, a sad smile on his lips. “He has already left. He thought you had already gone to the Institute.” Jace stood vary still, careful not to make a rush move. He nearly was astonished to feel the hurt. He hadn’t realized how muted their bond truly was until now. Sure, it was nothing in comparison to the past, but that Alec had not been able to sense his presence when he was just outside on the balcony, made his heart ache in a way he had no longer thought possible. He remembered the times his bond had started to tingle just when Alec left the loft to head towards the Institute while Jace was waiting there.

To hide his distress, he took another sip. He nearly burnt his tongue, the sudden sweetness causing his stomach to revolt.

“I can create you another portal” Magnus offered helpfully, a slight concern in his voice.

But Jace just shook his head. “Thank you, but I think I need some fresh air.” He was glad that Magnus let it slide and didn’t mention that he had been sleeping half the night on the balcony in fresh air.

He headed to his room, closing the door carefully after him. Finally, he knew what to do. He had always pictured it to be a hard choice, but eventually faced with it, he discovered it was easy, one of the easiest he had made so far. Maybe the second easiest after becoming Alec’s Parabatai.

He reached for his duffle bag, which had been stashed under the guest bed. He opened his wardrobe and started to place all items inside. When he was finished with his gear and normal clothes, he continued with his personal things, books, toiletry from the bathroom, these kind of things. He dutifully made the bed, smoothing all creases in the blanket. As a last step, he took off his Morgenstern ring, his father’s ring, which he had never put off. He placed it next to the Herondale ring, which he had never dared to wear. Next to the rings, on top of the bag, he placed the seraph blade Alec had given him the day of their runing ceremony. He already had stashed away Izzy’s dagger, a gift to his 16th birthday, which he had carried ever since. It felt wrong to take the items with him, as if he was no longer worthy of the presents. He just took an un-runed dagger, which would serve its purpose well enough. With a small sigh he closed the duffel bag and shoved it back under the bed. He looked around the room but found nothing out of place. Everything was in order. He didn’t want to leave a mess behind. His siblings just had to throw his duffle away, then they would have erased his traces. He hoped it was not too much trouble for them.

Magnus was still at the loft when Jace left. Jace looked at him, smiling. He was not sure if this was his real smile now, as he had forgotten how his real smile felt. Maybe it had always felt like that. So forced. So fake. So desperate. “Are you okay?” the question took Jace a bit by surprise, not used to genuine concern anymore. But the Warlock had always been very perceptive. Jace hesitated for a moment, his hand already on the doorknob. “Don’t worry, I will be.”

***

Magnus paced up and down. There had been something distinctively off about Jace this morning. He had realized before that the blond suffered, but if he was honest, he had been caught up too much in his own stuff to truly care or evaluate it. He had never been particular close to his lover’s Parabatai, finding him rather annoying at the beginning with his cocky and superior demeanor. Magnus still suffered from the body swap with Valentine and the fact that Alec hadn’t recognized him still hurt, even if it was hard for him to admit that. One part of him still thought Alec should have seen through the swipe. When he was not contemplating this, he bathed in his emotional honeymoon with Alec. He had never imagined that he would find a lover with whom he could spend eternity, and the feeling was overwhelming. Despite the fights they had had in the past, he knew Alec was his one person, the love of his life. That Alec had been willing to sacrifice everything for him and become immortal had been the greatest gift ever. So he really had been too busy to dwell over the strange behavior Jace had shown since the war was over. But now, he couldn’t fight the feeling that something was wrong, terribly wrong.

He opened the door to Jace’s bedroom. The room was clean, the bed neatly made. Jace had always been a tidy person, but this room looked far too neat, clinical even. There was no single thing out of place. There was no personal thing whatsoever Magnus realized with a pang. He opened the cupboard and wardrobe to find only emptiness, every item once stashed there was gone. The same for the bathroom. Magnus’ stomach curled into a tight, anxious ball. He had seen Jace leave; he had not carried a bag or a suitcase. After a quick search, he discovered the duffle under the bed and when he opened it and saw the two rings and the runed blade, he didn’t feel that something was wrong any longer, he knew it.

Without bothering to contact Alec first, he created a portal and landed directly in Alec’s office. Alec looked up, the smile which wanted to settle on his face freezing when he saw the desperate gaze of his lover. “Is Jace with you?” Alec gulped and blushed, a twinge of guilt running through his veins. He had been slightly disturbed that Jace had not already been at work when he showed up that morning, but truth be told he had not been thinking of the blond ever since. Now he noticed that Jace had never shown up, something which was very untypical of him. He had never been late for a mission since the end of the war.

Alec had been busy thinking of Jace half of his youth, worrying about him being reckless, of him getting hurt, of him discovering Alec’s true feelings. So when the war was over and he realized how deep his feelings for Magnus truly were, he had wanted to stop thinking about the blond for once in his life. He had wanted to think of nothing but himself and Magnus, just for a short amount of time. Seeing the panic in Magnus’ eyes, he realized that he had been a bit too thoroughly in thinking only of himself.

He placed a hand on his Parabatai rune, trying to find Jace through their bond, but he didn’t feel anything, only the warmth of his own skin pulsing through his fingertips. When he shook his head, Magnus tried to track him with his magic. Thankfully, Warlock tracking was a powerful tool. With a wink of his wrist, he opened another portal, pulling Alec through with him. They stood in front of a small cabin, deep in the woods of Idris. It was quiet and peaceful, only the chirping of some birds was piercing the silence. It was way too quiet and peaceful. They entered the cabin in a rush, blasting away the entrance door with magic. The first thing they noticed was the blood. There was so much blood, everywhere, even the air tasted metallic. Jace lay lifelessly on the huge couch, his blond hair strained with blood, his skin pale, his lips white - still his stony features looked like the one’s of an angel. On the floor, next to his outstretched arm, lay a bloody dagger. Magnus pushed passed Alec, reaching for the blond. The cuts in Jace’s wrists were deep. He had cut across, not lengthwise, thank the Angel, otherwise he had been dead already. But Magnus’ didn’t dare to consider it just a cry of help. The deepness showed that Jace had intended to kill himself in earnest. And it showed that he thought he deserved to suffer, also or better specifically in his final act he had chosen to punish himself. That stupid, stubborn boy. Magnus ignored the tears falling down his face while he poured every bit of magic he possessed into the boy and the wounds, forcing them to close. Alec had kneeled down on the other side of Jace, drawing one Iratze and blood-replenishing rune after the other. And the runes worked, better than any rune of any other Shadowhunter would have, as if the traitor of a bond was still working as it used to work, as if the bond had not been stretched and muted for so long.

It was not enough to bring Jace back to consciousness, but it was enough to keep him alive. They portaled back to Magnus’ loft in silence, Alec carrying him as if he was a precious possession. Time would show if and how he survived, all they could do was wait patiently. Alec sat beside Jace’s bed, rigid, with a straight back. He looked down at his brother and Parabatai, not sure if he was trying to hide from his feelings or trying to force them to show.

When Jace stirred for the first time, Magnus was in the room together with Alec. The blond’s eyes opened slowly and focused on Magnus, not looking once in Alec’s direction. “You’ve found me” he said softly. “You shouldn’t have.” Before the darkness claimed Jace again, he tried to smile. Magnus swore under his breath that if he saw that smile again he would tear something apart. It took until that moment for Alec to finally break down. He bent over Jace, taking the blond’s face in his hands, eventually crying and sobbing. “Forgive me, please forgive me, just wake up, please.” The endless flow of words spilled from his mouth but remained unheard by the blond. Alec’s hands found Jace’s Parabatai rune, tracing it lightly, pressing against it. He was not sure, but he thought he felt a small jolt of energy pulsing through it. He curled up next to him, laying one arm protectively over Jace’s lifeless body, as if this could prevent anything bad from happening.

When Jace woke for the second time, he felt warm. It was a warmness he hadn’t felt in a very long time, couldn’t even remember if he ever had felt it. He forced himself to breath evenly and not move an inch, as he was sure that if he moved, the warmness would be gone. And he couldn’t survive that. He opened his eyes slowly to find Alec splayed out above him, covering half his body with his own. His hand moved slowly, carefully, not to wake Alec up, to his hip and Parabatai rune. He pressed lightly and the rune pressed back. A warm feeling radiated from the rune through his body, the bond started to hum lightly. Jace blinked a few times but couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He also couldn’t stop his lips from transforming into a smile, a smile that tried to reach his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading my story - kudos&comments are literal love ❤


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